The Blunders by David Walliams

Author:David Walliams
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollinsPublishers

“NOOOOO!” snarled Farmer.

“I seem to have put my foot in it!” joked Bertie.

But the big man did not see the funny side. He grimaced and punched the palm of his hand.

BOF!

The vicar inspected this monstrosity with suspicion.

“Blunders! This is not a real marrow!” he declared.

V

“Vicar! Why ever would you say that?” asked Bertie, touching his nose to check it wasn’t growing at the lie.

“Because,” replied the vicar, “it is impossible for a marrow to grow to such gargantuan proportions!”

“HE USED MAGIC MANURE!” cried Betsy. “OSTRICH DOOBRIES!”

“I grew mine with hippopotamus doobries from the zoo,” said Farmer Farmer, “and yet your marrow is a thousand times the size! How do you explain that?”

“My doobries are better than your doobries?” suggested Bertie.

Farmer loomed over Bertie menacingly. “HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY DOOBRIES!”

“Well, er, um,” spluttered Bertie.

Fortunately, his mother stepped in to protect him. “FARMER FARMER! YOU ARE NOT TOO OLD FOR ME TO PUT YOU OVER MY KNEE!”

“I AM FIFTY-TWO!”

“EXACTLY!” she exclaimed, spitting on her hand, readying it to strike.

“PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!” pleaded the vicar. “I have not come here today to referee a fight!”

“NO!” replied Brutus. “But could you?”

“Vicar! You came here to award us Blunders first prize for our massive marrow!” said Bunny.

“We will see about that, young lady!” said the vicar, narrowing his eyes until they were invisible. “I will need to give this so-called ‘marrow’ a taste check. Only that can confirm the marrow’s marrowness!”

With that, the vicar fetched a knife and fork.

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